Nothing has done as much to revive the popular interest in the Golden Age of Piracy than Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, which started in 2003 with Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. That’s good for maritime history geeks; at least it got people asking interesting questions when they visit the local maritime museum. The trouble with franchises is that they multiply like a disease, and the latest Johnny Deppisode is threatening to turn this POTC plague into a pandemic.

The newest picture, aptly subtitled “On Stranger Tides,” pits Capt. Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) against Blackbeard (Ian McShane) in a four-way race to find the legendary Fountain of Youth. The other two contestants are Sparrow’s sometimes nemesis / sometimes partner Capt. Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) as a royal hireling (Wha?) and a good chunk of the Spanish Navy. Confused yet?

Then add two love duets, one between Sparrow and female pirate Angelica (Penélope Cruz) who says she’s Blackbeard’s daughter, and another tête-à-tête between Philip, a young religious sailor (Sam Caflin), and a mermaid (Astrid Berges-Frisbey), whose sisters would just as soon rip your throat out with their vampire teeth (there’s Twilight DNA in these sexy monsters) than take you on a midnight skinny dip. The Jack/Angelica thing works, but the man/mermaid thing seems dropped in to lighten an otherwise very dark mood in this dull picture.

Of course, the Pirates of the Caribbean flicks are never about interesting characters or a logical story. They’re all about an atmosphere fed by 11-year-old male fantasies of endless swordfights, silly accents (I love Rush’s, by the way), and tri-corner hats. If that’s what delights you about the Pirates’ shtick, by all means, see Number Four. But if you want an engaging, logical story with characters you can care about, re-read Treasure Island. At least Robert Louis Stevenson knew when to quit while he was ahead.

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Tordenskjold: Boat of the Century, presented by Eat on the Wild Side, produced by John Sabella and Associates. Not rated, but suitable for all ages.

Most people think of 100-year-old fishing boats as museum pieces, tied up forever at a dock after a career at sea. But documentary filmmaker John Sabella has discovered a fleet of historic ships—one celebrating its centennial this year—that still head to Alaska on the hunt for black cod and halibut. This week, the Port Townsend, Wash.-based Sabella premiered his newest work on the history of the halibut fleet to an audience in Seattle. It’s an entertaining and educational peek into an almost invisible present and past, even in a town with a thriving maritime industry.

The 30-minute video is titled “Tordenskjold: Boat of the Century,” (pronounced roughly “TOR den skee yold”), taking its name from the oldest vessel, a 90-foot halibut schooner launched from a Seattle boatyard in 1911. It’s one of six boats built in the first third of the 20th century, all based in Ballard, a neighborhood founded by Scandinavian immigrants in the late 19th century. Most are owned and operated by descendants of the immigrants, and a number of the vessels have been handed down from father to son. Sabella describes the industry as “clannish;” most boats are crewed by family and close friends, though one owner, John McHenry, is from Pennsylvania.

Sabella deftly mixes studio interviews with owners such as Tordenskjold’s Marvin Gjerde and Vansee’s Per Odedaard with color and black-and-white historic footage that shows how halibut fishing methods have barely changed over the past century. Sabella opens a window into the culture of the halibut fishery, which one interviewee describes as “cautious and conservative,” a mindset that has guided the fleet into a path of sustainability, a buzzword that just means good management for the long haul.

The video is a something of a paen to an unsexy industry—commercial fishing—an industry sometimes treated as an anachronism by a mainstream media enthralled by celebrity CEOs and silicon gadgetry. The content could have been balanced by more voices from women and workers lower down the food chain, so to speak, though the compelling images of fishermen working in horrendous, life-threatening conditions could’ve come straight from the Deadliest Catch. Tordenskjold is a great addition to a maritime history buff’s DVD collection.

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2010: Moby Dick, with Barry Bostwick and Renee O’Connor. Screenplay by Paul Bales, adapted from the Herman Melville novel. Not rated, though some scenes of severe injury.

Ok, maybe I’m being a bit harsh: the new “re-imagining” of the classic Herman Melville novel Moby Dick doesn’t entirely blow. It mostly blows. The premise of the direct-to-DVD release from schlockmeister studio The Asylum is “ripped from the headlines.” (Yes, screenwriter Paul Bales actually uses this cliché in the making-of featurette.) Several years ago, Bales says, paleontologists discovered an extinct species of whale big enough to prey on other whales, and he just scaled up this cetacean into a feature creature that chomps nuclear submarines as a snack.

Aboard one of these subs is a young sonar man by the name of Ahab who loses a leg to the monster. Most of the picture deals with a now-older Ahab’s chase of the devil-incarnate creature in a high-tech submarine, the USS Pequod. Ahab is played with a certain depth (a couple of feet or so) by an elderly looking Barry Bostwick, who attempts to make a character out of a caricature of the original whaleship captain. Ahab’s helped by researcher Michelle Herman, played by Xena: Warrior Princess-alumna Renee O’Connor, who explains in the featurette that “Michelle” is intended as a variation on “Ishmael,” the novel’s narrator.

(You know a picture is doomed when you have to watch the making-of vid to understand what the heck is going on.)

2010: Moby Dick has a few clever moments. Another submarine, USS Essex, is attacked by the monster. Maritime historians will recognize Essex as the name of the 19th century whaleship attacked by a large whale, inspiring Melville to pen his fictional story. And the beast in 2010: Moby Dick takes the Pequod on a modern version of the “Nantucket sleigh ride,” dragging the sub to dangerous depths of silliness.

But the two minutes or so of moderately interesting ideas are overwhelmed by the preposterousness of the other 88 minutes, including a redux of the sleigh ride, with Ahab chasing the whale in his sub on the surface. Hello! Modern submarines are faster submerged! And it’s amazing that Pequod hasn’t cracked up already or Ahab at least kicked out of the Navy, when we see missiles tipped with high explosives swinging from chains in the torpedo room like Christmas ornaments. Given the crew’s total lack of concern for their boat, this boomer (sailor slang for nuke subs) probably would’ve blown (up) long before the monster blew.

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Titanic 2, with Shane Van Dyke, Brook Burns and Bruce Davison. Written and directed by Shane Van Dyke. Not-rated, though some mild scenes of injured people.

Fyddeye’s mission to survey all things happening today related to maritime history means we have to examine all media remotely inspired by historical events, even if it’s just the name. That’s about the only connection between the epic 1912 disaster and the execrable direct-to-DVD motion picture Titanic 2, which posits the sailing of a SS Titanic 2.0, only this version is doomed before it leaves the dock.

Written, directed, and starring Shane Van Dyke, Titanic 2 opens with passengers boarding what every cruise liner maven will recognize as the Queen Mary at its Long Beach, Calif., berth. Perhaps we could forgive Van Dyke for failing to mask the nearby Russian submarine Scorpion from the shots, but we won’t, because the sub’s sail practically struts behind the actors. And the rust streaks on the Titanic Do-Over’s lifeboats immediately raise questions about this new craft’s seaworthiness.

The cast is led by Sandra Bullock look-alike Brooke Burns, who plays a government scientist warning of ship-sinking tsunamis caused by calving glaciers, and Bruce Davison, playing a Coast Guard captain trying to save Titanic 2 from its inevitable (and blessed) destruction. Burns and Davison give the 20-something cast a mild bit of heft, and Davison could’ve created a real character if Van Dyke had bothered to give him readable lines. As it is, Davison mumbles along as the helicopter he’s riding seems permanently out of fuel.

Titanic 2 is a product of The Asylum, the current master of the B movie, including the recently released 2010: Moby Dick, an updated version of the classic novel. (Review coming soon.) The Asylum’s budgets rarely top $500,000, and Titanic 2’s special effects show it; the computer animation of the liner resembles something that might have been rendered for a Wii game demo. Could someone please publish a game featuring this tub so I can wave a Wii wand and torpedo it with a shot from the Russian sub?

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